the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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