Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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