Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize