I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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