Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
