So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
