i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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