i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
