I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
