Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize