I accidentally burped into my bong.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
