i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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