took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
