We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
