i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
