i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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