Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
