I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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