i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
