While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize