I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
