I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
