you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
