We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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