just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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