I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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