I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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