I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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