hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Someone shattered a urinal.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
