theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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