NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's shark week go big or go home
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
