I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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