Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
