Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
