dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
