I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
