You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
