i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
