i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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