The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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