just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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