tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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