the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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