Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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