I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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