I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
