Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
