He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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