You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
