I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
