he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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