Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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