Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
