i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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