Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
