shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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