Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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