if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
