my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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