I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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