I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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