When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
