I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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