This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
