i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
